


this time (i feel my luck could change)

by acid_glue234



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 19:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9251987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acid_glue234/pseuds/acid_glue234
Summary: she doesn't think anyone can help, especially not her little sister who has always asked alex and depended on her to help navigate and explain the world they live in, but this time, this time it's kara who knows better and says, "alex, that thing you're feeling—it's called a broken heart."





	

**Author's Note:**

> so this is basically a what-if fic. what if after their chat in the parking garage, maggie doesn't show up at alex's door, deciding to give her space instead of rectifying their friendship. and also, what if the mass killing never happened at the alien bar. here we go!

****_pull me out of the aircrash_

_pull me out of the lake_

_'cause i'm your superhero_

_we are standing on the edge_

_\--_ **_lucky_ ** _by radiohead_

_//_

_//_

alex has always had the worst luck, especially with her heart.

it starts at a pool table in an alien bar, and it ends—for a long time but perhaps not indefinitely—in a police-riddled parking garage.

there's a difference, however, between bad luck and no luck, and alex knows this because she's experienced both; while the emptiness and lonely nights of no luck surely suck, the heartbreak and endless tears of bad luck suck even more.

so let's back up a bit.

maybe the bad luck doesn't start at the pool table. no, the pool table was nice, because that's where she found the courage to kiss the woman she likes, but _after_ the pool table...inside that aforementioned parking garage...yeah, that's when everything turns to shit.  

her and maggie's little chat—or perhaps more of a scolding on alex's part—in the parking garage doesn't exactly go as planned, but to be completely honest, alex didn't really _plan,_ or have any idea that she'd even go off on a mini tirade to begin with.

she'd been having an okay day, still dealing with the aftermath of maggie's rejection, slowly getting back on track after her unreturned kiss, but then maggie had uttered the word _friend_ again, for what felt like the millionth time, and alex just couldn't take it anymore.

looking back, all alex can do is cringe, because she didn't really intend on spilling her guts to maggie about all her innermost feelings for her, how she misread their entire relationship, how she was under the impression that maggie was helping her out of the closet so that they could be together, but she did do that, embarrassingly, _mortifyingly_ , and by the time she was walking off back to her motorcycle, silently berating herself, the only hope she had left was that maggie not take to heart what she said about them not being friends, because she didn't mean it, not really.

that wouldn't be fair to maggie—she never asked to be taken on alex's crazy rollercoaster ride of a journey of self-discovery—but then...then the silence ensues, and alex doesn't hear from maggie for a week, and then another week goes by, and maggie sends someone _else_ to work on a case with the deo, basically stating that she's fine with their current arrangement of not speaking, of forgetting everything that happened between them, of throwing their friendship—or whatever it is they were—right into the trash along with alex's bruised heart.

alex would be upset, under the very obvious understanding that maggie's avoiding her, but then she remembers that she maybe sort of asked for this herself, that she's the one who initiated the cold shoulder.

that day in the parking garage, she told maggie they weren't friends, that basically everything they'd been through together up to that point didn't matter, and so here she is at the bar with j'onn and m'gann, another three weeks later, after tears and tears and cartons of ice cream and mending her broken heart over an intense crush that she thought she'd never get over.

but she did.

she did get over it.

(... _yep_.)

just like at work, she hasn't seen maggie here at the bar either, and it wouldn't surprise alex if maggie had some undercover intel here informing her not to come because of alex's constant presence at the location.

but she doesn't care.

she's fine now.

she's gone through the five stages of grief, or at least she thinks she has, but then one night, as she's nursing a beer alone on the couch, her phone vibrates, and it's a text from maggie: _hey danvers. it's been a hot minute. we should catch up ;)_

alex doesn't reply, shutting off her phone and tossing it to the other side of the couch as she tries to ignore the pang in her chest.

three days later, as she's researching alien biology in her lab at the deo, her phone dings on the table, and she picks it up to find another text from maggie on her lock screen: _i understand if you're upset with me for going awol on you, but please alex, can we just talk?_

again, she doesn't respond, putting her phone on silent and then shoving it into her back pocket.

the next time she receives a text from maggie, she's on a lunch date with a woman she met on this online dating app. her name is elaine, and she's got this killer smile that reminds her just a little too much of maggie.

perhaps it's the dimples, but alex finds a way to ignore it, and she takes elaine back to her place. they're making out on the couch, slowly undressing each other when alex's phone dings three times in a row and vibrates aggressively against the coffee table, completely destroying the mood.

elaine sits up with a sigh and peeks over at alex's phone, and guesses, "an ex-girlfriend?"

it'd be an easier explanation than the truth, but alex has always been compulsively honest about her feelings, so she admits, "we never actually dated. i just had this thing for her, but she didn't feel the same way, and now i'm assuming she wants to be my friend again, except it took me a full month to get over her, so even though i do wanna be friends, i just can't do that to my heart because i don't think it'd be able to take it. i mean, just being around her would slowly break my heart into a million little pieces again, you know?"

it's not until elaine's heading out the door with an awkward _i'll call you_ that alex realizes elaine's not gonna call and that perhaps she should have probably just said, "it's complicated," because it kind of is—way too complicated to talk about to an almost-stranger that she's trying to have sex with.

instead of going off to bed or turning on the television to glumly stew in her woes, alex grabs her bag off the counter and heads out to the bar because it's only six o'clock, and that place—she just really likes that place.

she doesn't know why she always returns there when she's feeling her worst—perhaps she keeps going back hoping to run into maggie, or maybe she's marking her territory on something that was never hers to have, just like she did with maggie's heart—but it's a safe space for her, just like it is for the aliens.

she says the magic words and then enters to find kara and mon-el at the bar counter. mon-el's chatting with some guy with a mustache to his right, completely ignoring kara as she sips on a bottle of beer.

alex slips onto the stool to kara's left, and kara perks up when she sees her big sister. "hey, how did the date go?" alex makes a face and sighs, and so kara frowns in response. "that bad?"

"that bad," alex mutters, waving a hand to get the bartender's attention. "i didn't know you'd be here tonight."

"neither did i," kara says, shrugging, "i just got back from an l-corp press conference, but when i tried to talk to lena afterwards, she didn't want to hear from me _or_ supergirl. at least that's what her assistant said."

"give her some time," alex advises, even though it never works for her. "she's probably still hurting after what happened with her mother."

kara nods and then takes another sip of her blue moon, focusing her eyes up to a flatscreen that's playing the news when alex's phone rings in the back pocket of her jeans, but she doesn't bother checking who it is.

if j'onn wanted to get into contact with her, he'd call her on the company phone, and, as sad as it is to admit, anyone else who'd call her on a day like today is at this bar, so it can't be anyone else but, "maggie?" kara guesses, pulling a face when alex nods. it's not like kara to roll her eyes in annoyance, but she does it anyway. "just ignore it, alex."

and that's what she does, but not even ten minutes pass before her phone is ringing again. she takes the device out of her pocket and stares down hard at the name _Sawyer_ that almost seems to be taunting her. her thumb twitches, resisting the urge to swipe, and kara waits, watching from her right, clearly wondering what she's going to do.

it seems her thumb has a mind of its own, and alex barely catches on to what she's doing until she's uttering out a hollow, "what?" it's a little more touchy than she intended to sound, so alex breathes steadily, trying to compose herself, but she's sure she just sounds defeated when she adds, "what do you want from me, maggie?"

"a second chance," maggie says, a familiar echo of music and chatter leaking out of alex's phone speaker, "...alex, turn around."

alex does and there she is.

suddenly, it's like the last five maggie-less weeks never happened, and they're standing about ten feet apart, just like the last time they saw each other here, those few days after alex took a dumb chance and kissed maggie next to their pool table.

maggie swallows visibly and hangs up her phone as she hesitantly approaches. "hi, alex," she says, smiling that smile, but with a rare hint of nerves added in. "i'm sorry to just show up here and—"

"but you did anyway," kara interrupts, and alex snaps out of her daze, only just now remembering that kara is beside her, stepping an inch in front of her to shield alex from whatever lovesick magic maggie infected her big sister with last time.

maggie side-eyes kara with a sad smile and then looks back to alex, eyes pleading. "alex, do you think we could talk in private?"

"she doesn't want to talk to you."

"not to be rude, kara, but this is between alex and i."

"not if i have anything to say about it."

"that's good and all, but it's what _alex_ has to say that matters to me."

and then they're both looking at alex, waiting and watching, and alex swallows thickly, crosses her arms to protect herself, and admits, "kara's right, maggie," because she can already feel herself falling again, just at the sight of those deep, dark eyes slowly sucking her in, and it's like a drug—it's taken her five weeks to kick that lovelorn habit and heal her broken heart.

she can't go back.

she _can't_.

"but alex—" maggie tries, only to be cut off again.

"i don't wanna talk, maggie," alex whispers, pained, slowly backing away. "i can't..."

maggie looks like she wants to say more, like she wants to keep apologizing or convince alex to rethink her decision, but then kara tilts her head towards the doorway, and although she's clearly crushed, maggie seems to take the hint.

without another word—but with a look that says a million and one things—maggie's out the door, and alex has never felt so drained of life after such a short but intense exchange.  

next thing she knows, her feet are carrying her body to the bathroom, kara hot on her heels as she busts into a stall and then empties her lunch into the toilet. kara's waiting for her outside, leaning up against a sink when alex exits the stall to wash her hands.

"you made the right choice, alex."

"did i?" she wonders, because she still feels a little sick to her stomach after witnessing the downtrodden look on maggie's face when alex refused to even listen to what she had to say.

there's a comforting hand on her shoulder, and then kara's sharing the mirror with her. "of course you did."

alex stares at her reflection as the water runs, her mind and heart all over the place, reliving that moment with maggie in front of her, imagining the words maggie would say if alex only gave her a chance to speak, picturing the smile on maggie's face, those _deep_ dimples, those _deep_ , brown eyes, sparkling and twinkling in happiness as alex would bring maggie into her arms and kiss her, relish in the feeling of her lips as, this time, they'd continue to kiss and kiss and kiss, happy and free and... _alive_.

"maybe i should at least hear her out."

but kara's quick to jump in with, "she broke your heart, alex. she just...disappeared on you." and kara does have a point, but alex can't deny that she pushed maggie away first. "do i have to remind you how many buckets of ice cream and boxes of tissues we went through the night she told you she didn't want—"

"no," alex grumbles, shutting her eyes when she starts to feel tears burning around the sockets. she turns away from the mirror and refuses to meet her little sister's eyes when she says, "i'm really exhausted, kara. i think...i think i'm gonna head home."

"do you want me to come with you?"

alex just shakes her head because, "it's been a long day. i'll probably just turn in for the night."

kara nods and leads alex out of the bathroom to find mon-el still at the bar counter, drunk as usual and shaking that same sketchy dude's hand, and alex would wonder about it more if she gave a shit, but she doesn't, so she grabs her bag and then heads out into the dark alleyway.

half of her expects—and wants—to find maggie out there waiting for her, but alex's heart cracks a little bit around the edges when she finds no one leaning up against the opposite wall with a smug smirk full of dimples.

she hates to admit it, but she really misses that smirk.

the ride home is uneventful as she forces herself to take the long route home, away from the police station where she knows maggie is probably huddled at her desk with stacks and stacks of paperwork to distract herself from the exact thing alex is trying her very hardest to avoid.

when she gets home, her apartment is just as empty and void as she left it, but it's a feeling and atmosphere that she's more than used to, so just like before, before meeting maggie, before embracing her sexuality, alex welcomes the loneliness that used to bring her comfort, because at least this way, here in the emptiness of her apartment, nothing can hurt her.

perhaps a quiet night in is just the thing she needs. it's been a while since she's been alone here without the company of a distraction to take her mind off of...

but before settling in, alex reaches into her bag for her deo-issued phone to check for any updates on their current case when her hand lands on a glass container.

she takes it out, and inside the small container is a bunch of colorful little candies that alex doesn't remember buying, but kara puts things in alex's bag all of the time when she doesn't feel like carrying them, so alex just assumes it belongs to her sister.

they look like skittles, so she pops one into her mouth and chews. _mmm_ , they taste like skittles too, so she pops another three and then sits on the couch and turns on jeopardy to help muddle her thoughts.

it's kind of pathetic, she knows, sitting at home alone on a saturday night answering every question correctly on jeopardy, especially at her age, and perhaps she'd be upset about it if she wasn't one question away from breaking her own record, but then a special breaking news report cuts into the broadcast, and alex is fast to the edge of her seat when she reads the headline: NCPD COP TAKES DOWN ALIEN DRUG CARTEL.  

_"...after a month long investigation, undercover detective maggie sawyer found compelling evidence against one of the biggest alien crime lords in national city to finally bring their long run of drug dealing and illegal syndication to a justified end..."_

the reporter goes on to explain the situation about the drug bust, how detective sawyer bravely exposed alien and human drug dealers alike and successfully brought them down for creating and then selling these extremely popular and undercover intergalactic drugs called _friddo_ that mostly humans have been using and abusing for recreational purposes.

as head of the investigation, maggie is interviewed first, and alex stares at the screen, eyes wide and disbelieving as maggie enters the frame, but instead of discussing the drug bust, maggie steals the mic from the reporter and says, "alex, if you're watching this, i just want to say that i'm sorry. sorry for disappearing on you, for not fighting for you...not for our friendship or for anything more—" a hand reaches out and tries to take the mic back, but maggie ducks and weaves out of their reach, and moves even closer to the camera to add, "i never meant to break your heart, and i never meant to make you feel like your feelings didn't matter, because they _do_ matter. they matter to me, alex, so if you could please just give me another chance, i'd want nothing more than to make it up to you and do things right this time."

the reporter comes back into the frame and succeeds in grabbing the mic this time, but maggie only tugs it back and attempts to say more, but then the feed cuts out with high-pitched feedback and a screen that reads _standby_ before the television feed cuts back to a wheel of fortune game already in progress.

all the while, alex is staring at her flatscreen, utterly gobsmacked, as her heart slams hard against her chest. without thinking, she goes to pick up her phone, but when it starts ringing, she looks down at it to find kara's face smiling back at her from the lock screen.

she answers with, "kara, i can't talk right—"

"mon-el and i are still at the bar," kara interrupts, the anxious quality of her voice mimicking just how alex feels, "and you won't believe what we just saw on the evening news."

"no, no, i'd believe you," alex says, still reeling from everything she just heard come out of maggie's mouth, "because i just saw it too."

there's a pause, and then, "i know what you're thinking, alex, but don't do it."

"but she said—"

" _alex_ , you were just starting to—"

"you heard her, kara. she's sorry for what she did." to hear those words, professed so openly, so honestly, for all to hear—it tugs at every heartstring in alex's chest, and she wants nothing more than to go out and find maggie now, to accept her apology, to accept everything she's willing to offer, because, "maggie wants to make it right."

"but how about what she did to you, alex? how she made you feel?" kara reminds her, throwing cold water all over the hot coals of alex's excitement, "or do you need a refresher?"

suddenly, alex's television goes haywire, switching from channel to channel to channel in a technological craze all on its own, but then it stops on a familiar image, on an image alex has never seen but has definitely experienced before; it's _her_ , in the darkness of her apartment, crying on the couch with kara holding her, arms wrapped tight around her shoulders as she sobs, shakes, and mumbles about how humiliated she is.

in all honestly, alex hasn't thought about this night since it happened, silently hoping that the less she thought about it, the faster her heart would heal.

it's...scary, watching herself, how torn up and helpless she looks at not only being rejected by the girl she likes, but along with that, feeling rejected by society and everyone who's ever told her she's odd, different, not good enough.

it's like watching the scene of a car crash—she's unable to look away, dropping her phone on the couch as she rises and slowly approaches the television, completely enraptured by the sight of herself breaking down.

alex touches her fingertips to her own face, watching carefully as the edited montage speeds up, from kara moving around her, to kara turning on the lights as it gets darker outside, to kara grabbing a carton of ice cream and spoons out of the kitchen, to kara throwing a blanket over alex's body when she starts to shiver from eating the cold ice cream.

then, all of a sudden, the sound cuts on as kara plops down next to alex and digs into the carton of ice cream with her own spoon, and then hesitantly, she broaches the subject, whispering, "so i'm assuming you told maggie about your feelings for her..." alex only shakes her head, exhaling a heavy and tired breath of air, and so kara readjusts her glasses, confused. "then how do you know she doesn't like you back?"

alex clears her throat, willing her voice to work. "i didn't tell her so much as show her how i felt."

it takes a moment, but then realization hits, and it's clear that kara's straining not to cringe in secondhand embarrassment. "you kissed her..." she gathers, placing a hand over her mouth.

"in the middle of the goddamn bar for both aliens and humans to witness my horrific humiliation," alex berates herself, huffing out a laugh that feels a lot worse than it sounds. "i'm such an idiot. we've really only known each other for a month, and here i am going on about how much i'd been wanting to kiss her. she probably thinks i'm this pathetic loser who can't take a hint."

"i doubt she thinks that, alex."

"you weren't there, kara. you didn't see how fast she jerked back and away from me. god, i bet she was just as embarrassed as i am." alex pushes the carton away and then pulls her legs into her chest, hoping to disappear and then maybe all of this—her embarrassment, her feelings, her gayness—would cease to exist. she knows that's not how life works, but it's worth a try, right? "i can't believe i did that. i'll never be able to look her in the eyes again."

those beautiful, twinkling eyes. those eyes that have seen so many wonderful things. those eyes that express more than anyone could ever feel. those eyes that hold an entire universe. those eyes that enrapture alex, that hold her captive, that stare into her soul and steal everything she's worth.

 _those_ eyes.

kara takes the carton for herself and says, "alex, i'm sure it wasn't that bad."

"you weren't _there_ , kara," alex repeats, mumbling the words with her lips smothered against her kneecaps.

"well," kara drawls, "what did she say?"

"she said she shouldn't get involved with someone who's fresh off the boat."

and that right there—just the phrasing of it alone—is what hurts the most.

alex has struggled with finding herself her entire life, and now that she has, now that she understands one of the most intimate parts about herself—this late discovery that finally has her feeling normal and whole is coincidentally the very thing that maggie doesn't like about her.

her lateness.

her slow start.

her snail's pace.

her inability to catchup.

her stunted growth.

kara screws up her face. "fresh off the boat?"

"yeah, apparently my lack of experience isn't her thing," alex mutters, a slow burn of anger taking over the cool sadness in her chest. " _i'm_ not her thing."

maggie doesn't want to deal with her confusion, her second-guessing, her what-ifs or never minds, and it hurts, more than any knife-inflicted wound or gunshot in the shoulder has ever hurt her.

"well, forget her then, alex," kara advises, suddenly sounding just as angry as alex feels. an edge to her voice that wasn't there before grabs alex's attention, and she looks over at kara, only to find her little sister fuming. "if maggie can't see just how wonderful and awesome and truly loving you are, then she obviously doesn't deserve you, okay?"

alex wants to agree and say _okay_. she wants to embrace this anger and allow it to engulf her, because the anger is so much easier to deal with than the reality of her situation, but then hot tears quickly gather in the corners of her eyes, and alex is crying again without even realizing it.

"alex," kara whispers, strong arms wrapping around her. "what is it? what's wrong?"

it's hard to explain, and she doesn't think she can because she's never had to before. she's never dealt with any of this before maggie, and now everything feels too big and too much for her to handle.

"i just have so much...so much of _everything_ , right here," alex weeps, clutching at her shirt over her chest, "and it's all for her, but now that she doesn't want it, i don't know what to do with this...this...this _feeling_."

she knows what it is now, after years and years of suppressing and avoiding and ignoring, but now that she finally has it, understands it, drowns in it, she feels completely lost, because she has something that she's wanted her entire life, but now there's no use for it.

it's like finding a missing puzzle piece to a jigsaw puzzle that's already been completed years ago.

she doesn't think anyone can help, especially not her little sister who has always asked alex and depended on her to help navigate and explain the world they live in, but this time, this time it's kara who knows better and says, "alex, that thing you're feeling—it's called a broken heart."

alex sniffles and lifts her gaze to meet kara's four eyes. "a broken heart?"

kara nods with a sad smile. "welcome to the wonderful world of dating, alex," she jokes, but it's comforting in an odd way, to know that she's not alone, to know that for the first time ever, she's feeling how others feel after a heartbreak—after years of being lost, she finally made it to the party; she's just...a little bit late.

it's a strange thing for alex to realize that she's never been rejected before. either it was her doing the dumping, or if a guy broke up with her, alex didn't really care because she was never invested to begin with.

but now—it _hurts_ , to know that maggie doesn't want to be with her in the way that she wants to be with maggie.

"this pain—how do i make it go away, kara?" alex asks, wondering if there's some sort of secret to minimize the heartache. "will it ever?"

"it will, alex. it'll go away," kara promises, holding her big sister even closer as she runs a hand through alex's hair. "it hurts now, i know, but believe me, it won't last forever. you just have to give your heart a break, allow it to heal, and then move on when you're ready."

alex cries, on both sides of the television screen. from the real world, she watches herself break down again, but then a blast of white static appears on the screen, and alex jumps back, startled, when kara's face pops up in front of her. "so, alex," she says, peering over her glasses, "are you ready?"

there's a knock on alex's door.

her eyes snap to the sound and then back at her television to find a black mirror, no more kara looking at her like she's about to send alex on a secret, undercover CIA mission.

alex wills her heart to behave before pulling her door open, and _surprise surprise_ , it's maggie, still in her oversized police jacket, gun holster strapped around her waist, combat boots dirty and tied up tight, ready for action.

but despite her rough and tough appearance, maggie looks so soft, shy even, when she murmurs an equally soft, "hey..."

"hey," alex says back, her hand still grasping the doorknob with a death-grip.

maggie pastes on an uneasy smile as she looks around alex's apartment. "i thought i heard you talking to someone," she says, stepping back into the hallway a little bit. "if you have company, i can come back later."

"no, no, come in. it was just—" alex searches for an excuse and then just tells the truth, "my...television."

maggie doesn't question it and enters the apartment fully, tucking her hands into her jacket pockets as she does so, more of a protective instinct than the casual gesture that she's trying to pass it off as.

they stand there, in front of each other, with no interruptions or outside opinions for the first time in a month, and it feels different than alex thought it would. she thought it'd be awkward or weird, but it was never like that with maggie before, and it's not like that now.

the silence is soothing—it allows alex to think and look maggie over with an appreciative and scoping eye, but then maggie finally breaks the silence with a drawn out, "so..."

"so..." alex mimics, waiting.

"so, um—if you didn't catch the live broadcast on the news earlier," maggie starts, flipping her hair as she paces in front of the door, "i'm sure you've seen my pronouncement somewhere on twitter or facebook," and she tries to play off her nerves with a breathy laugh and a small shrug, adding, "i mean, apparently the video clip is all over social media, or so my mom says," and here she allows an amused eye roll at the mention of her eccentric mother.

of course alex finds this entire charade of maggie's endearing, how she tries to fend off her nerves with downplayed confessions and subtle quirks, and so alex just nods and smiles before admitting, "i actually did see it live," but she heeds kara's advice and allows the refresher of _that night_ to linger in the back of her mind as a reminder to protect her heart from dimples that gladly kill for a living.

"you did?" maggie's subdued smile slowly stretches into a pleased grin, "okay, so yeah—how do you feel...about what i said?"

how does she feel...about what maggie said...about being sorry...about wanting another chance...about making it up to her...

how does she _feel_ about it?

at first, elated. it was everything alex had been wanting to hear, but while she's still trying to wrap her head around what maggie said tonight, she's had more than enough time to overanalyze what maggie told her a month ago.

"i'm sorry, maggie, but i'm just a little confused, because you said—more than once—that we should be friends," alex reminds her, just in case maggie's forgotten her own words, " _just_ friends."

"yeah," maggie drawls, wincing, "i did say that, but—"

"but friends don't pronounce their feelings for each other on live television. not that i've ever seen, anyway."

her television switches on with a click, and it's kara again, her face filling up the screen. "you tell her, alex!" she cheers, nodding in approval.

alex side-eyes the television before focusing her attention back on maggie. "and i'm just...i'm a little wary to go back down this rabbit hole with you, because see—you broke my heart, maggie," she admits, suppressing the need to grasp at her chest at the feel of that hollow _bah-dum bah-dum_ beneath her ribs. "i might have hid it well, but what you said that night in the bar—"

"—wasn't a rejection, alex," maggie finishes for her.

"then what was it?" kara interrogates from the television screen.

"it was a..." maggie trails off, searching for the right words, "a compulsive cautionary...evasion."

"ooh," kara taunts, "big words coming from the cop here."

maggie sighs, pressing her lips together tightly to contain her anger. slowly, she turns her head to look at the television. "kara," she says, her voice calm and steady, "will you please mind your own business?"

"alex's business _is_ my business."

"i'm sorry, but i'm not gonna argue with a flatscreen."

"are you going to let her talk to me like that, alex?"

"how about the both of you just shut the hell up!" alex yells, finally having had enough of their bickering bullshit. she can barely think when her sister and maggie _aren't_ arguing; add that into the mix of her pain and confusion, and it's like a ticking time bomb in her head and heart.

she grabs the remote from the counter to turn off both kara and maggie, and the television cuts off as maggie vanishes into thin air.

alex stands in the surreal silence for a beat, relishing in the sudden emptiness of her apartment before escaping to the balcony for a breath of fresh air, but she's barely standing out there for two minutes when a loud whoosh sounds behind her, blowing her hair up into the air and then around her face.

alex doesn't even have to turn around to know who it is. "supergirl," she drawls, slowly glancing sideways. "what are you doing here?"

"a little birdie said you might need my advice," supergirl says, hands on her waist in her trademark pose.

alex looks her up and down. "kara told you, didn't she?"

 _busted_. supergirl deflates, her arms falling to her sides. "there's very little we keep from each other," she admits guiltily, and then steps up to alex with a coercing hand. "c'mon, let's take a fly....air out your thoughts."

"are you nuts?" alex backs away, shaking her head. "i can't fly."

"but you're floating as we speak."

alex looks down to find herself hovering over the floor of her balcony. normally, she'd be freaking out right about now, but tonight, who even cares? "oh, i guess i can fly."

"take my hand," supergirl says, and alex does, and then they're flying away together, up into the night sky, where the stars meet the endless universe.

it's the most free she's felt in years, floating above all of her worries, her fears, her anxieties, her heartbreak—everything that's surely waiting for her back on earth.

supergirl closes her eyes as she flies, apparently unafraid of flying into any obstacles as she bobs and weaves under bridges, around buildings, through tunnels, the entire city seemingly memorized within the darkness of her eyelids.

as they pass catco tower and circle around the back, alex looks to supergirl and asks, "so what do i do?" supergirl gives her a look, eyebrows furrowed, and so alex elaborates, "about maggie? about my broken heart?"

"she's the one who broke it, right?" supergirl questions, and alex nods. "well, it only makes sense to me that she fixes it. do you still like this maggie person?"

alex almost laughs at the question because, pathetically, "i think my feelings for maggie are a little more than just _like_ at this point."

supergirl mulls this over with a smile. "then don't listen to what anyway else has to say. ignore all the distractions and the noise and listen."

"listen to what?"

"shh..." supergirl hushes, "listen."

it's funny, in a way, how being up in the sky, with supergirl of all people, helps bring alex's mind back down to earth where thoughts are simple and the answers to life's hardest questions are all waiting for her to just... _listen_.

suddenly, there's all these voices, and alex looks around the sky. "that noise...what is that?" she wonders, looking to her left. "supergirl, what's happening?"

"you're coming down."

"down?"

" _down_."

something in her snaps, and alex goes crashing at top speed toward the ground. she's screaming, yelling for help, and when she opens her eyes, it's maggie in the supergirl outfit zooming down after her, hands stretched out, ready to catch alex, ready to rescue her, to save her from herself, but she doesn't get to alex in time, and _bam!_

her back hits something solid, the impact slamming her eyes open, and as her vision blurs, everything morphs around her, fuzzy, unclear, shadowy, and then there's kara—not television kara, or phone kara, but real, organic kara, with her soft skin and glossy hair—standing in front of alex, holding her face steady and repeating her name over and over and over again, " _alex...alex...alex..._ "

her throat is desert dry, but she somehow manages a low, "kara..."

there's a collective gasp, and then kara's already tight grasp on alex's shoulders tighten even more. "oh, alex," she sighs in relief, hugging her close, so close that alex can barely breathe. "you scared the crap out of me."

"what's happening?" she says, as her vision slowly returns. the lights are bright, and the blurry heads standing in front of her slowly sharpen into familiar, concerned faces. "where am i?"

j'onn appears at kara's side, inspecting alex from head to toe with a keen eye. "i don't know much about from where you just came, but you're at the deo now."

as her senses slowly return to her, alex comes to realize that j'onn's right—she _is_ at the deo, in an exam bed, with j'onn, kara, winn, mon-el, and a few other doctors from the facility standing over her, staring down at her like she's come sort of lab rat in a cage.  

"what do you mean _from where i came_?" alex asks, sitting up slowly as she looks to her little sister for answers. "what's going on, kara?"

before kara can fill in the blanks for her, winn sidles up to alex's bedside and cuts kara off. "oh my god, alex, you were so high," he chuckles, sounding way too amused compared to everyone else's grim expressions, "and that come down—freakin' wild! i would have recorded it for you if cameras weren't banned from the premises."

he's talking way too fast—and way too crazy like always—to really comprehend much, but the words _come down_ and _high_ make its way through, and alex squeezes her eyes shut and places a palm to her forehead in disbelief at what she's hearing.

"so you're telling me that...this whole time..." she mutters, shaking her head to help clear it and focus. "everything i just experienced...was all just a...trip?"

kara winces and then explains, "mon-el met this shady guy at the bar who sold intergalactic recreational drugs, and well—"

"they're completely safe," mon-el defends, hands raised.

"but if you ingest too much, they can take you on one hell of a ride about self-discovery and enlightenment," j'onn provides, but he pauses from further explanation when everyone pins him with a suspicious stare. "they were a legal substance back on mars."

"suuuure they were," winn drawls, nudging j'onn in the side with his elbow.

alex nods absently, still recovering from...from whatever the hell those drugs just did to her, and she breathes out raggedly, half out of relief, half out of disappointment, because sure, the trip was emotionally taxing in the worst way possible, forcing her to relive some pretty heartbreaking moments from the last few weeks, but for a short time, she was finally seeing things clearer than she had in a very long while.

also, she was fucking _flying_ , and that, she has to admit, was pretty darn cool.

kara places a hand on her shoulder, breaking alex out of her muddled thoughts. "hey, alex..." she whispers, nose pinched in concern, "are you okay?"

she's been pretty much asking herself the same question since she chewed those colorful pills that took her on this wild journey in the first place, but, "yeah," alex affirms, nodding, because she thinks that, somehow, she finally understands how good luck works. "I'm okay, kara, i just—can i have some water, please?"

"of course, i'll get it," mon-el volunteers, clearly wanting to put as much space between himself and the recently drugged deo agent as possible, and winn swiftly heads out after mon-el with an amused smirk, clearly loving this whole situation way too much.

once they're gone, j'onn steps up to alex with a warm smile. "welcome back, agent danvers," he says, placing a black knapsack on her lap, "and next time, perhaps grab the right bag."

he gives her a wink and exits the double whooshing doors, and then, finally, silence, in what has felt like forever in alex's busy mind.

she didn't notice it before, but she's completely worn out, from tripping, from crying, from _feeling_ , from this whole convoluted experience, but now her overworked brain is finally calming down after what has felt like hours of crazy hallucinations and intense mind games.

she wants to rest, and she probably should, but after the journey she's been on, she's realized a few things, and there's really no time to waste, so alex stands up, a little shakily, and kara helps her readjust to the upright position with a supportive hand against her lower back.

"oh my god, kara, you won't believe what those drugs had me seeing," alex sighs, feeling even more exhausted just thinking about it. "i was in my apartment watching jeopardy when suddenly—"

there's a moment, a small moment, a hollow heartbeat, a vivid lapse in sanity, when it feels like she's in one of those movies that convinces the protagonist and the audience that the fantasy is over, only to discover that it never ever ends, that everyone's still stuck in the dream, in the pretend world with all its pretend people, and that's how alex feels when her eyes land on maggie through the clear glass wall.

she's talking to j'onn, a lick of worry etched into her usually calm features, but when maggie glances over and their gaze meets, alex's eyes dart away back to kara, her cheeks heating up as she turns her back to the woman that's been on her mind practically all night long.

" _kara_ ," alex loud-whispers, smoothing her wrinkled shirt down like it'll make a difference for her frazzled appearance, "what is she doing here?"

kara at least has the decency to look apologetic, but instead of saying sorry, she explains, "while you were deep in your high, you kept saying maggie's name. it was like every other word, so i thought i'd—" she cuts herself off, looking over alex's shoulder and out the clear glass wall before glancing down at the floor in shame. "i just—i feel like i was a little unfair to you earlier, alex, trying to make decisions for you when really i was just projecting my own insecurities about lena onto you."

alex narrows her eyes, not expecting to hear that name. maybe mon-el, but, "lena?"

"I'll explain later," kara promises with a blush, and alex makes sure to store kara's odd expression in the back of her mind for when this discussion comes up again. "anyway," kara goes on, "if you think that you and maggie can make it work, then i say go for it. she just wants what's best for you, as do i. we may not always go about it the right way, but—anyway, if you wanna talk to her, i can send her in. it's up to you, alex."

alex turns and looks back out the clear glass wall. maggie is still looking in their direction, but this time, when their eyes meet, maggie offers a tiny smile and a wave, and it's so damn adorable that alex can't help but smile back shyly, ears hot in her bashfulness.

"yeah," alex sighs, smiling crookedly as she turns back to kara. "you can send her in."

alex watches as kara exits the room, approaches maggie, and as they exchange words, alex holds her breath and waits until maggie's smile brightens to its usual wattage. it's magic, alex swears, watching the light appear in her eyes again, twinkling bright, just like in her drug-enduced haze, just like always.

the double doors whoosh open, and there's maggie, standing before alex and nervously wringing her fingers together. "how are you feeling?" are the first words out of her mouth, and alex can't help but smile even wider now, because it's just like maggie to ask about her and care about her and support her, beyond everything else.

alex takes a small step forward in maggie's direction. "very clear-headed, surprisingly."

maggie chuckles. "yeah, friddo can do that to you."

"friddo?" she questions, having heard the term before but suddenly unable to place it.

"the drug you accidentally ingested," maggie supplies, "it means lucky in daxamite."

alex smirks. _right_. now she remembers. it's all coming back to her. "you've busted people for it before, haven't you?"

maggie raises her hands in mock surrender. "guilty," she drawls playfully, but then her expression slowly changes, from bashful to forlorn. "guilty of a lot of things, actually. specifically for being a giant ass," she chuckles, but the laughter in her voice is void of any type of humor. it's a self-depreciating laugh, full of remorse and self-pity. "i'm also guilty for thinking i can just be your friend and then...nothing at all," she adds, closing the small gap between them and hesitantly reaching for alex's hand, "but i can't, alex, and if i had the option, i wouldn't want to."

alex stares down at their hands, admiring the way they look together, the way they fit together, "then what _would_ you want?"

"for you to kiss me again," maggie confesses, prompting alex's eyes to snap up from their laced fingers, "and for me not to pull away this time."

second chances exist for a reason, and it's not only maggie who wants another chance to make this work. alex isn't perfect. she messed up too. she found someone she wanted and allowed the simple word _friend_ to break her heart. she allowed her ego to destroy her rationality, and she allowed her embarrassment to eat away at her pride.

"you sure are hoping for a lot, sawyer," alex teases with a smile, and maggie smiles right back at her.

that beautiful, dazzling smile. that smile that has touched so many people at just the sight of it. that smile that expresses more than anyone could ever feel. that smile that holds the secrets to the universe. that smile that enraptures alex, that holds her captive, that gleams into her soul and steals everything she's worth.

 _that_ smile.

"am i pushing my luck here, danvers?" maggie asks, moving in closer, until she's tugging their hands to the side and pressing their bodies together with both their arms around alex's waist and behind her back.

alex shakes her head, their noses nudging together. "actually, i'd say you're pretty damn lucky."

or maybe _she's_ the lucky one, alex thinks, when maggie presses their lips together and finally kisses her.

and this time, as promised, she doesn't pull away.

**Author's Note:**

> in no way am i condoning drug use for recreational or enlightenment purposes. i just thought'd this story would be interesting to write, the idea fun to explore and play around with, and it was! hope you enjoyed :)


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